• Sunday, January 7 11:44 a.m. An E Street resident said someone strode into his apartment, gave him $20 and took his stereo. He said he wished to refund the $20 he didn’t ask for or want and get his stereo back.
3:30 p.m. A Seventh Street resident complained of a neighbor trying to steal his cat.
5:39 p.m. Shoplifters at a Uniontown supermarket used advanced tradecraft in the form of cutouts to swipe stuff. Their methodology was to place cuts of meat in shopping carts, then position the carts in different locations about the store for collaborators to snatch up, then leave the store.
• Monday, January 8 9:44 a.m. A dog on Janes Road seemed to be trying to elude an older man on a bike pulling a trailer. Wearing a dark-colored pack, it ran in and out of traffic, almost being struck several times.
12:16 p.m. When he was asked to leave a Valley West motel’s grounds, this somehow came through to a woman there as, “throw trash out of the dumpsters on the ground.”
1:07 p.m. A man received texts from a woman stating that “she is going to torment him until he answers her question.”
1:50 p.m. A drunk in Vinum Park guzzled booze from an open container while peeing on the fence there, his impressive intake-excrete combo earning him a public drunkenness arrest.
3:13 p.m. A woman went into a Valley West laundromat, rifled through the trash, poured liquid on herself and left.
11:48 p.m. A man rolled around on the sidewalk in front of a Valley West store, complaining that he was being assaulted even though there wasn’t anyone around.
• Tuesday, January 9 7:45 a.m. A man on 18th Street complained that a woman had stabbed him in the fingers. She was arrested.
10:04 a.m. So many travelers were piled up at the bus stop flophouse that an old lady inside the nearby golden arches was afraid to wait there, and fretted that she’d miss her bus.
10:19 p.m. Hostilities erupted amongst the bus stop slumgullions, with a man and a woman with a shaven head wandering away afterward, leaving a trail of blankets.
10:42 a.m. A Lady Yellington wearing a blue blanket and pink shirt screamed and screamed outside a Valley west liquor store, earning an entry in the Encyclopedia Dingbattia.
10:58 a.m. A sitabout sat on a stoop Out front of the ice-creamy Scoop With backpack and beanie The fume-making weenie Was asked to stop smoking the doop
11:10 a.m. Another fume-blower smoke-bombed That Valley West laundro of Mom’s In jacket of yellow The noxious oddfellow Was told of the business’s qualms
11:30 a.m. Out front of a Uniontown store A weed-smoking oblivi-boor Became rather snippy The lazy-faire hippie Was soonly not there anymore
11:35 a.m. After falling asleep near a Plaza liquor store, as one does, a man awoke to find his wallet gutted of its contents.
2:14 p.m. Having already beaten and harassed a resident, a trio of hooligans loomed ominously in a Seventh Street mobile home park.
3:20 p.m. A clique of loud, clamorous buggers Were anything but hugger-mugger Outside a gas station The joined in formation As party-time droning dope-chuggers
8:58 p.m. Another assemblage of wankers Lit up near a store’s propane tankers The lurking pot-clot In the back parking lot Went elsewhere when asked, without rancor
• Wednesday, January 10 9:58 a.m. A mother reported that one of her daughters had struck another of her daughters (her person or her car, it’s not clear which) while driving on the Samoa Boulevard/U.S. Highway 101 overpass.
10:32 a.m. The mom-person had to leave the Samoa Boulevard collision scene because “the situation continued to escalate, with items being thrown in the car.” Once home, one daughter went inside while the other stayed outside with their mother.
12:41 p.m. An octet of outcast tomfoolers Annoyed Valley Westish preschoolers They smoked in a field Till someone appealed That cops harsh the pothead-peculiars
4:21 p.m. A biz on Ninth Street reconnoitered Where slumpabouts linger and loiter Those smokers, 10 strong They wanted them gone From Feuerwerker’s fetid foyer
• Thursday, January 11 12:03 a.m. Seriously, dude Busting out beats at midnight At Ninth and H streets?
11:39 a.m. All the hungry lunchers in the Valley West golden arches’ drive-thru line wanted was to get their hydrogenated heart-attackian happy meals and devour them without undue incident, or exercise. But no. A two-man buffoon squad alternately fought amongst themselves and violated the sanctity of waiting customers’ vehicles with unwanted harassment. It wasn’t clear whether the alpha was the leather-jacketed bully-boy or his comic-relief sidekick, a fat guy wearing an inevitable tie-dyed shirt.
5:44 p.m. A 13th Street resident arrived home to find a curly-haired man outside her home. He told her he’d entered her home but didn’t steal anything. What he did do, he told her, was wash her clothes. At this, the bearded laundry enthusiast set up a short-lived camp with at least two other people near her home.
• Friday, January 12 1:12 a.m. A man locked in a Uniontown variety store’s bathroom for the past three hours surely had enough time to complete his ablutions or whatever he’d been doing in there. But whatever it was, he wasn’t responding to employees’ entreaties to emerge from his cozy toilet-cocoon. Police extracted and arrested him on a public drunkenness charge.
1:32 p.m. A dog on Zehndner Avenue barks so often that a neighbor has taken to keeping logs of the annoying arfage.
• Saturday, January 13 2:06 p.m. Ninth and H streets again approached critical mass, with loads of lurkabout loiterers and their loose dogs drinking and smoking and carrying on and for the love of God don’t you people have anything better to do with your time?
7:04 p.m. A man at a 13th Street store ought to have been attending to his bleeding schnozz. Instead he refused to leave and raised bloody hell yelling at other patrons.