• Monday, October 23 4:56 a.m. I know, let’s open the windows, turn the TV volume up and talk loudly over it.
5:48 a.m. If the shoplifter at a Uniontown shopping center goes to hell with a handbasket, it will be full of the groceries he stole. He was last seen hellbound on a “bicycle bicycle.”
7:11 a.m. A woman’s “boyfiend” [a Freudian sic if there ever was one] left the Plaza hotel where they were staying, and made off with her keys and phone.
9:20 a.m. A Seventh Street business wasn’t charmed by the white van parked out front for eight days with three guys living inside, the trash they stashed underneath it or their use of the sidewalk for dressing and undressing. Cited.
9:34 a.m. Two people living in a van on K Street drew attention to themselves with a 6 a.m. argument, their stature in the neighborhood sinking even further than it had been after the front yard garbage dumping. As residents called police, the two stood outside their crapmobile, staring.
10:45 a.m. A woman’s 1997-vintage check was used to buy pizza in Valley West, the forger’s driver’s license and birthday helpfully recorded on it.
• Tuesday, October 24 12:20 p.m. Public Works was to remove a carcass from the roadway on Diamond Drive. Not the classic grindcore death metal band responsible for such stirring drop-tuned anthems like “Black Star” and “Keep On Rotting In The Free World.” No, it was a dead deer.
1:40, 3:13, 3:13 p.m. So much smoking and drinking and dogging and pooping…
9:05 p.m. A swank-suavé solo vocalist and part-time stumblebum in an unfortunate orange sweatshirt openly toted a prestigious sixer of Coors, while blasting obscenities at people who walked by and attempting against all odds to maintain his footing and remain vertical. His arduous journey mercifully ended with a drunk-in-public arrest, and the gutters ran frothily yellow with the Best of the Rockies.
• Wednesday, October 25 6:56 a.m. A ladder leaning against a Palomino Lane shed was stolen overnight, because of course it was.
10:51 a.m. The people living in the crapvan on 13th Street may be making a lot of noise at night, but at least they leave their trash all over the street.
6:43 p.m. A wanderer and his pet stick walked in and out of traffic on 14th Street.
• Thursday, October 26 10:57 a.m. The Seventh Street vehicle residents’ charming habits of disrobing on the sidewalk weren’t aging well, and continued to make working people nearby feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
11:20 a.m. A phone scammer came up with a new pitch, trying to get someone’s personal info with a healthcare-oriented appeal. It seems the City of Arcata is recommending that residents sign up with one particular healthcare provider, but no, of course it isn’t.
11:52 a.m. Two dreadful, dreadlocked men had been living in a van on Eighth Street for three days, and pooping thereupon.
11:51 p.m. A vehicle at the Union Street/Samoa Boulevard roundabout went ’round and ’round and ’round in the circle game, and at dizzying speed.
• Friday, October 27 10:47 a.m. An ailing duck was reported in a Hyland Street backyard, and someone was concerned due to its proximity to children.
7:31 p.m. A group of bicyclists were riding near L.K. Wood Boulevard and California Avenue when they got into an argument with the driver of a white SUV. The driver hammered home his philosophical position by brandishing a hammer at the bikers.
• Saturday, October 28 1:51 a.m. A man on Diamond Drive punched at car windows, breaking at least one, then went a-wandering armed with a knife.
12:32 p.m. A coarse coterie of 10 or so jewelry salesclods slumped about Eighth and G streets, selling trinkets and letting their dogs dog around.
1:05 p.m. A couple of guys behind the downtown bars accused someone of staring at them, and threatened to fight him over the offensive photon collection.
• Sunday, October 29 12:45 a.m. The dictionary defines “sanctuary” as “noun, 1. A famed Arcata wildlife refuge where dogs may freely run and harass animals because ‘My dog would never ...’ and where a rifle-equipped SUV owner may blast away at geese from the boat ramp.”
8:16 p.m. A university student’s laptop computer had been reported stolen, but was turned on for the first time since the theft and tracked to Meadow Creek Way.
11:43 p.m. A shaven-headed man paced about G Street, arguing with himself and striking buildings and vehicles with his hands.
• Monday, October 30 9:54 a.m. Someone left a truck running with the keys in the ignition on slithy tove-infested G Street. Shockingly, someone hopped in and drove it away.
10:35 a.m. A vehicle was left parked out front of some downtown H Street businesses, its horn honking intermittently for an hour and a half.
2:13 p.m. A parking ticket recipient claimed that a C Street meter had a dirty display which was difficult to read. The ticketee wanted the parking officer to inspect it and determine whether it could be cleaned or repaired.
6:34 p.m. An injured coot bird fell to earth in an F Street backyard, possibly injured and unable to fly.
• Halloween 9:56 a.m. The guest in Room 109 offered to sell Ecstasy to the lodger in Room 105, who was non-ecstatic about the drug’s availability.
1:27 p.m. Two men smoked the dope out front of an E Street business, one wearing a skeleton shirt and the other pajama bottoms.
5:38 p.m. Four young skateboarders rode the rails – not the railroad ones, but the metal railing on the roof of the Community Center – where the wheeled lads and (statistically unlikely, but possible) ladies frolicked.
8:28 p.m. A Diamond Drive mother took her kids trick-or-treating, and when she got home, the good mom went through the candy. OK, let’s see … Snickers, Reese’s, M&Ms, bag of bloody chicken feet ...