• Saturday, September 9 12:07 p.m. It takes a special kind of man, one with a particular set of skills to harass employees at an H Street beauty shop. After bothering the staff in the store and on the phone, the shop’s self-appointed arch-nemesis swaggered insolently past in his stylish goatee and elegant white tank top.
12:53 p.m. With a zest, vigor, determination and poor judgment known only to those disinhibited by adult beverages, a green-shirted man with a red sweatshirt tied around his waist raced through a Uniontown shopping center’s courtyard. Some leave their mark on the world with a great novel, a memorable song, a life-saving vaccine, a ship in a bottle, a stale blog, something. But with a full tank of booze fueling his creative fires, this revved-up rattlecap left nowt but a trail trail of tipped-over trash cans and shopping carts in his wake. He made it as far as the corner before the handcuffs went clinkety-clink.
6:44 p.m. A man in a blue shirt with pink elephants and a camouflaged backpack slashed someone’s tires on Alliance Road, then threatened to break all the car’s windows. This to rectify some undisclosed injustice.
• Friday, September 8:13 a.m. Field experimentation has verified that it is scientifically possible, if not advisable, to sleep, poop and pee in the multi-use doorway of a 16th Street building.
8:43 a.m. A man in a flannel shirt ran through someone’s Janes Court backyard and then threw down what appeared to be some kind of an electronic button in front.
9:28 a.m. A Red Specialized Diverge 18 speed bicycle with blue lettering left double-locked on a car bike rack on Sunset Avenue vanished sometime between 1 and 7 a.m.
11:14 a.m. A man in a patched jean jacket and pajama pants emerged from roadside foliage along Valley West Boulevard to mount a breakfast incursion into the motel across the street, its lobby burgeoning with the bright hope and promise of cheap pastries, green bananas and sour instant coffee. There, despite having been deemed persona non grata over a previous disturbance, the shrubbery shabbaroon helped himself to the prized delicacies before scuttling back to his bush.
1:24 p.m. A humongaloid RV pulled up in front of an F Street house and disgorged five or six folks, who settled onto the lawn for a big ol’ booze ’n’ hubris-fest.
4:44 p.m. A Westwood Court woman ran a background check on herself and found out that she was on active duty in the military – except that she wasn’t. Identity theft report time.
11:18 p.m. A man in his twenties seized the moment on Boyd Road, cutting the lock and stealing a child’s green bicycle. On a roll, he also stole the seat off another bike.
• Sunday, September 10 1:09 a.m. A he-she screamfest erupted on D Street, with the possible throwing-of-items option exercised.
1:43 a.m. The screaming intensified in volume and aggression.
4:33 a.m. A man on J Street chose this hour to set a fire in his backyard, stoking the flames with a leaf blower and filling the air with heavy smoke and embers.
• Monday, September 11 10:12 a.m. A bare-chested, red-haired muckspout near a Valley West haistyling salon wore green sweatpants as he regaled the neighborhood with a running narrative about snapping people’s necks.
• Tuesday, September 12 9:19 a.m. A stringy-haired man with a yellow dog took a dump near the trail from Seventh Street down to the Community Park, then left a big bag of trash at a nearby apartment building.
9:53 a.m. A Union Street resident complained about his neighbor’s cock. Apparently it’s rather noisy.
9:58 a.m. Visitors from Planet Cluelessa descended on the marsh in a blue van, where, along the banks of Klopp Lake, they set up a tent. The space cadets were moved along.
12:59 p.m. It was distressing enough that a man had to resort to holding a cardboard sign to obtain sustenance at Ninth and G streets. Worse that there was a six-year-old child with him, and still more bothersome that the kid was wearing pajamas.
1:05 p.m. A man in a blue windbreaker snabbed up a bunch of energy drinklets at a Plaza liquor store and sped away. Some of the little bottles were recovered, but he did manage to retain his grip on one of the tiny caffeine casks.
2:07 p.m. Someone vandalized an Eighth Street apartment building and many of the cars there with a dry-erase marker. Alas, it didn’t fully erase, damaging some of the cars and even eating through the paint.
2:10 p.m. A man came home to find his RV missing – not surprising, since there are no keys and it starts with a toggle switch. He soon located the vehicle next to his apartment building.