• Friday, December 22 3:25 a.m. The primal appeal of wafting pastry fumes may have been overcome by the sheer drunken-lunatic density of the donut shop which one regularly encounters at this hour, as an elderly gent inside a cab out front refused, for a time, to get out of the idling taxi and head on in for some hydrogenated goodness. But like the flaky crust of a ham and cheese croissant, his will eventually crumbled.
10:07 a.m. The white truck with “LKQ” on the side may be forgiven for failing to stay in its lane while passing a Jacoby Creek school, because at that kind of speed, lane position isn’t exactly easy to maintain.
10:36 a.m. A resident of the field between a Valley West shopping center and the newish hotel decided one of the laundromat’s clothing carts would serve his camping needs well, and trundled the thing over to his weedy domicile.
11:33 a.m. A man with salt and pepper facial hair deployed spicy comments at random passersby at the Marsh on South I Street. He also waved his large black stick at them, to unknown purpose.
11:43 a.m. A sprawling multi-camper site ’twixt 10th Street and Samoa Boulevard was furnished with a plush, luxuriant crapscape of garbage.
6:42 p.m. A man in a camouflage jacket stole multiple tools from a Valley West business, then ambled around back to sit on the loading dock and savor his ill-gotten gains. An officer admonished him never to return.
8:05 p.m. The shoplifter at a nearby supermarket did little to camouflage himself – quite the opposite. Clad in pastel tights, boots and topped with dreadlocks, he managed to remove several hundred dollars worth of unpaid-for groceries.
• Saturday, December 23 5:34 a.m. Guests at a no-budget Valley West motel may have temporarily mollified the front desk with facile promises that they’d quieten down, but their vows of silence were quickly sundered by a profound impulse control deficit.
10:59 a.m. A child custody exchange on the Plaza got yelly for the same reasons, when the dad’s ex-wife and her boyfriend charged up at him and deployed a toxic cocktail of inappropriate comments, plus screaming and invitations to engage in combat right then right there.
3:47 p.m. Mischievous slumpabouts in Tavern Alley filled the air with deranged yelling, one of their number lying on the ground in silent protest, or something.
6:06 p.m. A man in a black hoodie likes to walk in circles around someone’s H Street home while spouting obscenities. The resident is questioning his choice of hobbies.
6:08 p.m. A man in a green jacket may have been addressing people in China as he lie face down at Eighth and G streets, yelling into the pavement.
7:11 p.m. A man on Grant Avenue yelled either at or about someone named Julia, then trudged away.
7:16 p.m. The Julia-yeller at Sunset Avenue and Baldwin Street took up his top-volume issue with passersby there.
9:21 p.m. Valley West upheld the statistical density of screechabouts, with a man wearing all black clothes blurting obscenities at they who walked by.
• Christmas Eve 4:47 a.m. A guest at a C Street AirBNB was offered a no-brainer (and also brainless) proposition in the driveway: “Either we are friends or you die!”
10:30 a.m. Surprisingly, a goateed man who’d been toting a beer and talking to himself proved to be not the best of drivers. He got into his car on the Plaza, dinged another vehicle then aimed his chariot in the direction of the freeway.
12:48 p.m. A woman threatened to attack an employee at a Plaza business, saying she was going to gather a mob to lynch the guy, that the proprietor was probably a cop and can we be friends? Probably not.
3:39 p.m. Some blurtabouts set up a passerby-bothering station at Eighth and G streets, offering screaming and general harassment services.
4:32 p.m. A man at Ninth and K streets should have worn a de rigueur rig of all-concealing camouflage-based garments of the type so popular among today’s dashing (usually away from angry shopkeepers) ne’er-do-wells. There he, wearing a red plaid shirt and cream-colored cowboy hat, spray-painted over a video surveillance camera.
5:34 p.m. After stealing petrol from several vehicles in a Weott Way parking lot, the siphoning slithy tove lazily left the gas tank doors open and the hose dangling limply from the last tank he drained.
5:36 p.m. A man with a face tattoo and orange blanket called police from a Eureka-bound bus saying he didn’t understand why he was alone on Christmas. He believes there is a conspiracy to keep him homeless.
9:16 p.m. A Samoa Boulevard residence suffered the loss of multiple expensive items after someone slithered in through an unlocked sliding glass door. The victim thought it perhaps relevant to note that two roommates had just moved out.
10:10 p.m. A man reported his wallet – black, with a green cannabis leaf on each side to advertise his enduring commitment to the herb – had been stolen out of his car in an I Street parking lot. The suspect was his fiancée, whom he said admitted the theft via a text message.
10:19 p.m. While the air on Valley West Boulevard was filled with howled obscenities…
11 p.m. ...the blasting booms of fireworks rose skyward from the Craftsmans Mall…
11:02 p.m. ...and Mack Road fireworks initially inspired a report of shots fired.
• Christmas 12:30 a.m. As guests at a Valley West motel unloaded their truck, a blonde man drove up in a car, snatched several Christmas presents and drove off. Lost were a child’s bicycle, two helmets, a drill and glass set.
1:14 p.m. A blonde woman made off with a bottle of Bailey’s from a shoplifter-wracked Uniontown store, but – oops – left her backpack behind at the front door while making her escape.
9:27 a.m. Two off-leash dogs at the Marsh romped and disrupted delicate avian reproductive cycles.
10:49 a.m. A Good Samaritan with everyone else’s best interests at heart carried two Dollar Store bags and wore a backpack as he peered into windows and tried doorhandles in Creamery Alley. Confronted, he explained that he was just checking on children in the area.
11:06 a.m. An initial shove on Union Street gave way to a threat that the shover was going to “execute” the shovee.
12:52 p.m. A 29th Street resident said a neighbor cut down a tree on his property, then played loud music, offering distinct signs of hostile aggression.
• Tuesday, December 26 11:31 a.m. Two men were observed having sex out back of a Valley West cannabis clinic, after which they resumed camping amid strewn debris. One or both were arrested for indecent exposure.
11:33 a.m. The same business complained that RVs parked out front sprayed litter about the area, their occupants constantly arguing.
1:05 p.m. A neighborhood dog isn’t accustomed to being leashed, and uses a Tina Court front yard to do its doggie business.
1:27 p.m. Campers at the Marsh spread out their outdoor gear beside the log pond, then cracked open the booze containers.
4:11 p.m. Afternoon drinkers at the transit center practiced their top-volume obscenity-yelling.
7:01 p.m. Slightly more versatile were the occupants of a vehicle parked behind a Valley West motel, who smoked dope, guzzled booze and blasted music.
7:20 p.m. A red-haired man with a camouflage backpack stole a broom, then tried to rip off someone’s laundry, fleeing when confronted.
• Wednesday, December 27 1:50 a.m. A bearded man spread his grungy property out across the transit center. He was asked to move along.
3:06 a.m. Eschewing the usual garbage, an RV resident on Valley West Boulevard instead surrounded his motorhome with broken glass.
9:22 a.m. Another garbage-strewer at the transit center warded off someone trying to clean up the area with confrontational hostility.
10:12 a.m. Someone driving under the pedestrian walkway took a small rock to the windshield.
10:32 a.m. Normally beset by campers and tatterdemalion interlopers, on this day a Valley West preschool had to put up with a wayward weirdling banging on an outside faucet. He turned out to have an outstanding warrant, and was cited.
10:34 a.m. Gaining entry through a kitchen window, burglars stole jewelry, money and a computer from an East 13th Street residence.
11:16 a.m. A transit center debris-strewer had been warned away, but was now back resuming his vision quest of scattering property around the area.
12:49 p.m. The person to whom a Valley West motel room had been rented wasn’t there, but a man, a woman and a whole lot of illegal drugs were. Someone was arrested.
1:02 p.m. Two men fought near the statue of William McKinley, Civil War hero. Someone was arrested.
2:10 p.m. Two men fought near the statue of William McKinley, genocidal racist. Someone was arrested.
5:08 p.m. Persons of unknown quantity and unspecified gender fought near the statue of William McKinley, undistinguished president of ambiguous morality. The combatants, who’d been fighting about a dog barking, separated.
5:09 p.m. Multiple men argued near the statue of William McKinley, bronze Rorschach blot for whatever cultural values one might hold dear. But their argument dissipated as quickly as facts and logic in an ideological dispute.
6:09 p.m. It’s not uncommon to see traveler-deposited backpacks, bags and other possessions parked on the Plaza. But the baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire was a fresh innovation.