Are you ready to ROCK?!? (Your results may vary)


ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Multi-colored laser lights pulsed and swept across the stage, illuminating the machine-generated smoke as the crowd roared and local band Finger Bucket charged on to the stage last week during what was supposed to be the first act of the first annual Heavy Metal Festival at the Arcata Ball Park.

Lead singer Slick Slothy, clad in black leather, pumped his fist in the air and yelled at the throng that stood before him, “Are you ready to rock?”

Slick Slothy

For added emphasis, he stuck out his tongue, pointed to the crowd, and again bellowed, in a throaty baritone drawl, “Are you ready to rock and roll?”

Unexpectedly, a man in the front row answered him.

“Actually, I’m feeling a bit low energy this evening and would really prefer to soak in a tub and enjoy some chamomile tea, maybe finish a book. So, no, thanks for asking, I’m not particularly inclined to rock at the moment,” Terry O’Leary informed the rocker.

Slothy was nonplussed by the answer, but took it in stride.

“Well then, that’s why we always come out here and ask ‘are you ready to rock?’ If you are not ready to rock, we understand,” he said, his bandmates nodding along as they began to pack up their instruments.

“We’ll try again later, maybe next week,” Slothy told the crowd. “Rock and rollllll!”

The band walked off stage and concert attendees were by and large relieved that they could go home, do a DoorDash and pleasure themselves while watching Lou Dobbs Tonight.

Festival organizers said that the event will be rescheduled for a date yet to be determined, but preferably on a night when everyone in Arcata is ready to rock, and should they see fit, roll.

The concert call-off was good news to unemployed astral projectionist Delbert Flimbidor.

On spreading out his blanket on the ball park lawn, he’d suddenly realized that he’d parked his car with that… thing in the trunk right next to the police station, where the K-9 officer comes and goes all the time.

While projecting an air of mild dismay at not getting to see the show, Flimbidor was greatly relieved to get back to his car.

“OK, let’s pack ’er up,” he said to his family, glancing nervously in the direction of APD. “C ’mon, Let’s GO!”