2:55 p.m. When a 10th Street resident left a $20 flashlight and $50 binoculars in an unlocked car, nature took its course. In an unorthodox twist, the unknown slithy tove responsible for the theft evinced some vestigial empathy, leaving behind token compensation in the form of one lonely little doobie.
8:31 p.m. A man lying on the ground near a K Street stairwell slowly basted in an odious marinade of urine and vomit. An officer found him responsive but uncooperative, and took the poor basted to the hospital.
• Friday, January 7 6:47 a.m. A man with missing teeth regaled the east Plaza area with his religious beliefs, then lumbered under the load of his backpack down to the Ball Park. There, he was advised to keep the spirituality to sub-seismic levels.
1:51 p.m. A man in a blue overcoat lurched southbound down H Street carrying a garbage bag, top-volume profanities issuing from a moist opening in the fuzzy miasma of facial hair.
• Sunday, December 19 2:02 a.m. Another day, another double-dullard implosion in front of the donuteria. Two booze-boggled gladiator-galoots helped populate the Pink House.
• Wednesday, Dec. 8 3:18 a.m. A Westwood Center supermarket is no Large Hadron Collider, but by examining the remnants of a titanic collision there just like physicists might do, including tore-out shrubbery, dinged-up concrete and a ripped-away oil pan – police ascertained that a car had crashed into the place. The Higgs Bozo responsible for this experiment, being a Large Hassle Evader, was by then elsewhere, panless.
• Monday, November 8 1:40 a.m. A bear had its way with a dozen trash receptacles in Wiley Court. Police swang with their spotlights and pummeled it with photons to drive it away.
2:54 a.m. A clown wearing a white ballet tutu became concerned for a female grim reaper walking alone and possibly being followed on Spear Avenue. Police found the solo soul she-collector safe with friends at their house.
4:44 p.m. A citizen at a Plaza bank hailed an officer to complain about a man who threatened to take off his clothes if he wasn’t given money.
11:51 a.m. A petrol-swiping slithy tove worked the parking lot of a riffraff-saturated Valley West motel the previous night, draining one car of its dinosaur juice.